1. Hegseth Pentagon Cold Open. Stale and moldy right out of the box. Why does Johnson only ever do Trump as a monologue? Is that contractual or just unimaginative and lazy? Why didn’t Colin Jost even try to approximate Hegseth’s delivery or mannerisms?
2. Guest host Bad Bunny monologue. ¡Bienvenidos a Sabado Gigante!
3. Jeopardy. First sketch: a game show. Again. How very inauspicious. Some things never change . . . some terrible, terrible things.
4. ChatGPTio commercial. “In 1970, responding to changing times and sensitivities, Bill Dana stopped portraying the José Jiménez character.”
5. Sperm donor. I always thought a sketch needed a premise, a beginning, a middle and an end. Given that, I don’t know what this was. It definitely wasn’t a sketch.
6. KPop Demon Hunters fan. Panicky writer who had nothing hoiked up this bolus on Monday, then had to write whatever this was, based on the half-baked idea they blurted so they’d have something to say.
7. Musical guest Doja Cart. That’s a lot of effort for a single discarded Tubeway Army riff extended for two minutes too long. I trust it took nine people to “write.”
8. Weakened Upchuck. How much did we miss this joke-free smug-a-athon, huh? Yeah, me neither.
9. Iberian language rules. Couldn’t even sustain this flimsy premise for the duration of this sketch, which is just the weights-and-measures bit they did at least twice last season.
10. Doja Cart II. If it’s “a crime to be gorgeous,” would you consider pleading down to an E felony and R.O.R with 18 months of community service?
11. Flirting teacher. Right where it belonged, in the last-half-hour garbage dump.
12. Hispanic sitcom. “El Chavo Del 8” went off the air in Mexico in 1980. Look it up on YouTube. It’s as corny as Kansas in August, but it’s funnier than this almost line-for-line, shot-for-shot rip-off version of the 1975 episode “Las Viruelas.”
13. Goodnight. “In case you were wondering whether the show should have been killed after last season, we trust the preceding 90 minutes is proof positive it should have been.”
